Frances Has Issues

Escaping from my Living Room

I had an extraordinary encounter last night which helped me to once again appreciate the awesome power of the internet. I was watching the NPR series This American Life on Showtime. Many of you I'm sure know the radio program, but I highly recommend that you watch the TV episodes as well, and especially the Emmy winning Season Two episode Escape. The first part of the program has a sweet story about inner city youths from North Philadelphia discovering the joy of horseback riding through Fairmount Park. It's inspiring and lovely in its own right, but the real meat comes in the second part of the episode where we meet Michael Phillips.

This is Mike. He is a writer from Tampa, Florida. Don't feel bad for him. He made it very clear to me that I could only write about him if I told the world what an asshole he is. Mike and I chatted it up last night, he in his bed in Tampa, and me on my couch in Brooklyn.

This is an example of how completely freaking rad the web can be. I saw Mike on Showtime, typed his name into Google, found his blog, sent him an IM, and just minutes after I had seen him on the picture tube we were chatting away. It's fucked up, right? Eventually we'll just pull on our earlobes and our hologram avatars will appear in each others living rooms. It's some real Isaac Asimov shit. Don't say we weren't warned.

Mike likes tattoos, music, J.D. Salinger all the things that any 28 year old guy might enjoy. He has a motor neuron disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy, which causes a weakness in the voluntary muscles, the ones we use for walking, swallowing, or as in Mike's case, breathing. (Alhough it should be noted that Mike informed  me he is "not particularly ill".) SMA is one of the many genetic disorders which owes advancements in its research to the continued study of stem cells. In March President Obama lifted the restrictions on stem cell research imposed by the Bush Administration in 2001 much to the joy of scientists, researchers, and anyone who wants Mike to celebrate his 29th birthday. 

What struck me about Mike in the episode, and in my conversation with him was how normal he appears while living under extraordinary circumstances. He has machines that breathe for him, and machines that speak for him. The wonders of modern technology are the only thing keeping Mike alive. The internet has brought him freedom from the isolation of his bed. With just a small movement of his thumb, Mike can communicate with the world. He can share his writing, he can play World of Warcraft, and he can make friends with lonely insomniac chicks like me. 

This post doesn't have any sort of deep life altering meaning. I was just psyched to stumble accross Mike, and to read some of his writing. I thought maybe my audience might enjoy it as well. I warn you that he can be a dark motherfucker. If you are looking for, "I have a disease but it's all rainbows, hope and blessings!" than I would steer you towards Michael J Fox's blog. If you want to read someone who writes from a place of frustration, pain and brutally raw honesty, than check out Mike's work at http://www.lithiumcreations.com.

Winning Hairy Sons of Bitches

USA! USA! USA! That's right bitches! The US brought their fuzzy fierceness in full form to the 2009  World Beard and Moustache Championships, and proved once and for all that we are still the greatest country in the world assuming the world we are talking about is the world of creative facial hair. USA! 

Beard Team USA (seriously) took first and third place in the overall category. David Traver of Anchorage won the overall competition having styled his beard to resemble an Alaskan snowshoe (seriously). This was a big departure from David's look in 2007 where he either channeled the spirit of Grizzly Adams, or skinned Dan Haggerty and wore him like a pelt. (Oh shit. Apparently Dan is still alive. My bad brother.)

 David is a tough Alaskan woodsman much like my favorite First Dude Todd Palin. Look at the ruggedness of this glorious son of a bitch! With a circle beard of such ferocious masculinity I think Todd has little choice but to fly his snowmobile over to the 2011 championships in Norway, and show these pansies what a real man looks like. TODD 2012!

The other big winner from the US of A was my man Jack Passion. Jack is from San Francisco, California where he is totally indistinguishable from any meth hobo on the street. Still my man Jack is a champion hobo! And I wish him nothing but success in his latest attempt to murder and replace the third dude from ZZ Top. 

Last but certainly not least we have old rascally Toot Joslin of Tahoe City, California who won first place in the bitching sideburns category. Check these puppies out! Squirrels could hibernate in those things. If Toot looks familiar that's because you are likely to know him from his previous incarnation as the popular varmint Yosemite Sam.

Since taking human form Toot has enjoyed such mammalian activities as consuming food, respirating, and having sex with women. He still exhibits signs of his prior sociopathic tendencies when confronted with either "burnin' biscuits" or "rascally rabbits." Let's all say a prayer tonight for Toot that he should finally find the gold he's been panning for. In conclusion...USA! USA! USA!

Getting My Learn On

Well I tried to be serious, and it got me jack nowhere. Apparently the writing gods are telling me to make with the yuck yuck. So in place of the thoughtful piece that I had researched, crafted, and swiftly deleted, I will instead direct you here, where Ms. Maddow will highlight her similar concerns in a far more eloquent fashion.

Instead I bring you some of my favorite works from a recent website I discovered. Some of these I had previously seen, but they still made me choke on my bourbon, and most of the local drunks here will tell you that is no easy feat.

I would like to begin by saying that I feel that all of the pieces selected should have earned A's, if only for the steel coated balls these kids had to even attempt such awesomeness. if I were a teacher my kids would earn bullshit A's all over the place. Didn't shit on yourself today? That's an A a day for anyone below 5th grade. Brought teacher some fancy chocolates? Hey look at that! Big fatty A for you kid! I have low ethical standards and little to no decency so I feel pretty confident that I would accept bribes from eight year olds and never look back.

Our fist contestant tries a tactic as old as the first blue book, stick figure terrorism. Fortunately his teacher is a Bush era Republican and is wise to these sort of sleaze tactics.

The next entry was authored by a young Steven Colbert. His terror is evident when a vicious, bloodthirsty bear suddenly made it's presence known on his exam paper.

This violent intrusion resulted

in his inability to finish said exam. How this teacher could have failed to acknowledge the imminent threat of bear attack in the midst of this algebra equation is unconscionable. This bitch has blood on her hands.    

Our next student is once again tormented by the appearance of a fearsome forest dweller, but this time in the guise of ailuropoda melanoleuca, or the dreaded, flower bearing panda of the east. This creature's modus operandi is pure guilt. Oh woe is me! Sob, sob! There are only 2500 of me left in the wild, and my habitat is shrinking, and I only like to eat bamboo, and it's all disappearing! Oh woe is me! Don't believe that smack for a second teacher. That monster will eat you and everyone that you love. Bamboo flavored babies, that's what it thinks of when it looks at your children. This teacher rightly avoided the bait of this fear mongering menace. The test's author little Billy Hitcens wasn't so lucky. He was never heard from again.

This last kid should work for NASA. He's a straight up Mensa level genius. If this kid isn't president one day than the electoral college is a diseased whore house.

What's the problem with this question? Gee I don't know teacher, maybe the problem is that there is a fucking 20,000 pound pachyderm in the way! Jesus, how do people even get the license to teach these days? Do you send in so many Marlboro miles and they just give you a district in Des Moines?  I fear for our nation's youth. I truly do.

Thanks Typepad!

Serves me right for attempting to write a serious think piece. I had just finished this entry on Guantanamo Bay and the new rule of law that President Obama outlined yesterday. I was quite proud of it, so naturally when I went to publish it Typepad erased it and reverted back to an entry I had saved several hours ago. So that was awesome. I was all set to throw my mac through my television when I took a deep breath and talked myself down. So here I am letting you know about the brilliant piece that you will not be reading. If you will excuse me now it's Friday night and I definitely need a drink. More bile to spew later! Stay tuned!

Hairy Sons of Bitches

Well it's the middle of May friends and that means two things. My mother has moved her drinking from the kitchen to the patio, and it's time once again for the World Beard and Moustache Championships! The competition this year is back in the US for only the second time in its history! USA! USA! The whiskers are set to fly on May 23 in Anchorage, Alaska and the competition appears fierce and awkwardly hairy. I hope to see the return of many of my favorites from last year. Like Udo Fritzgoje from Germany who placed second last year in the Imperial category. Udo's many hobbies include thwacking dummkopf's with his cane, stealing gumdrops from children, and collecting royalties by digitally inserting himself into the background of Monty Python films.  

Then there is my future boyfriend Gunnar Rosenquist of Sweden. Check out the butch arm cuffs and the Hobbit hat on Gunnar! He is a little bit country a little bit rock and roll and a whole lot of me likey! I've always had a thing for mythical creatures, and I think Gunnar could whisk me off to his elf kingdom and make me his fairy princess. He placed second last year in the Natural Full Beard category after which countless woman told Gunnar they had another natural full beard for him. Woof!

This terrifying toy soldier on the right is Frantz Mitterhauser of Germany who took second place in the Sideburns Freestyle category, but first place in the Most Likely to be Seth Rogen in a Fake Beard category.

And finally we have Siegfried Jezierny also of Germany who took second prize in the never superfluous Natural Full Beard with Styled Moustache category. Say what you want about Siegy, but homegirl knows how to work a stuffed sheep. Tyra would take one look at this fierceness and turn this bitch out!

So I have a thing for hairy men. I think it stems from a giant brown teddy bear that I had as a child. I used to sit on his lap and pretend that he was a big hairy biker dude named Bubba. It's over shares like this that make me happy my father doesn't know what a blog is. Bubba and me had all sorts of adventures running from the law, and being outlaws on the open road. But mostly I just sat on top of him and made kissing noises while my increasingly concerned mother watched through a veil of boxed wine and regret. Childhood was awesome.

In conclusion, what the fuck is wrong with German people? No, for serious. Anyone?

Ship of Fools

So I am officially the crazy woman who talks to her dog. I don't mean talks like, "Who is my special, special boy?" or "You are momma's most favorite man!" Although frankly those both elicit their own cause for concern. I'm talking full on one-sided conversations like, "Can you believe that jackass Glenn Beck has fans?" or "Do you think Obama will reverse his decision to prosecute the CIA interrogators?" or "Am I too old for braids?" Those closest to me doubtless knew this day was coming. Discussing politics with a dog is about one half step away from singing to pigeons at the Port Authority. So welcome aboard my inevitable cruise towards monkey crap madness friends! It should be an entertaining journey.  

And So It Begins...